Emchap's Shit from the Internet 08/5/20 đ
A tiny pre-newsletter pitchâIâve launched a paid version of this, mostly as a space for work outside of the normal Shit from the Internet format. So far, Iâve live-blogged The Secret: Dare to Dream, which is a truly bad film. If youâre interested, you can migrate your subscription here:
(If you want to subscribe but canât afford it, just email me and I will add you.)
I spent most of my early and mid 20s being scared of Money Shit. This probably would have continued indefinitely, but when I was 25 the company I was working for at the time was purchased by a larger, more Australian company, and I suddenly had a) enough money to pad out an emergency fund, which was amazing b) a need to figure out what the fuck RSUs were.
There is absolutely nothing in the world I dislike more than having to admit I donât know something, particularly when a peer does, because Iâm a healthy person who routes all of her competitiveness towards this shit instead of playing board games like a normal person. So it was very frustrating to suddenly discover that all the men I worked for (and it was, like, exclusively men of whom this was true) had incredibly specific financial plans and understood tax implications and had maxed out retirement accounts and strong feelings about Roth conversions and shit. (They also, to be fair to baby me, had way more money than me.)
At the same time, I knew a woman who was not that much older than me who had bought an apartment in New York City (where we both were at the time) before 30, without parental help (as far as I know). It seemed like a fucking magic trick, and she seemed just envy-inducingly competent.
So I asked her how she had done it, and she told me; I asked the coworker who was the least intimidating because he was two weeks younger than me what the fuck a Roth conversion was, and he told me; I asked another coworker how to make more money and wound up quitting that job to do that. And I wound up speaking at a conference where one of the other presenters presented a chart from her book which showed what to do with your money in the form of a flow chart that was also a cat tree, and I felt dumb that Iâd thought it was unlearnably complex.
Iâve been very lucky and started on easy mode, all things considered.
All of this is to say that my eventual solution to getting on top of my Money Shit was to start tracking all of my finances in a very elaborate Google Sheets workbook. I started in mid-2018, managed to continue it all through 2019, and am now 8 months into it in 2020. Every Saturday morning I sit down with my coffee and write down all the transactions from the week, and tally up what I can save or donate or spend on giant, stupid cat trees.
One of the weirdest things about this year has been how itâs influenced what goes into the sheet. My transportation costs, which I used to have to keep an eye on, have been literally $0 for the last two months. (Prior to that it was $30, to cover Lyfts to the dentist.) My charitable giving/mutual aid line items have doubled. My grocery costs are⊠embarrassing, and my entertainment budget has basically gone totally away because what is there to entertain myself with? My travel costs spiked at the beginning of the year and now, well.
So many categories in the budget sheet are reflections of time spent with other people, and it has been so strange to watch those go just totally away. The money still gets spentâIâm going ham on homecooked food and shiatsu massagers and getting my gallbladder removed unexpectedlyâbut each month the category totals highlight that once again, things are Not Normal. I already know that the yearly totals for everything will reflect a totally different life than last yearâs did.
This year has been overwhelming and weird and mostly bad, and as a depressed person it can sometimes be hard to know how much of that is my brain versus the world, to know what of that is true or just brain weasels. It is, in some ways, comforting to have the sheet numbers as a way to confirm that itâs not my brain, things are different, things are bad. I can only keep hoping for a 2021 sheet that looks like something approaching normal, that it wonât be another year of delivery and no travel and horrified donations to the GoFundMeâs of people shot in the head by the government.
Shit to read
QAnon is a cult and the fact that so many people are susceptible to it is depressing.
I hate these stupid goddamn videos and every âoh Trump would hate it if you shared thisâ thing that I see come out of that corner of Twitter.
Hey viruses, what the fuck.
Genuinely nothing this week has brought me so much joy as blaseball, an online, programmatic version of baseball that allows you to gamble and arbitrarily support a team. Itâs magical.
I have known this author of this piece on passive suicidal ideation since we were children, and I thought it was such a good description of the present moment.
Brains are fucked up!!!
Shit to eat
Decide to become a smoothie bowl bitch.
In the morning, when you are between meetings, you strike. Pull your gallon bag of frozen bananas from the freezer; find an almost-bad-honestly-maybe-already-there avocado in the fridge; pull out your yogurt because youâve become a yogurt person.
Tear a banana and a half into chunks with your hands and put it in the food processor.
Half-assedly scoop the avocado meat in with it.
Fuck yeah, time for some yogurt!
If you are not me this morning, youâll remember to put peanut butter int here.
Time to food process baybee. (Or blend, I guess, I just refuse to own a blender because Iâm in a platonic life partnership with my food processor.)
Probably youâll need some water in there honestly, itâs a pretty sturdy mixture.
Once itâs soft serve consistency, scoop it into a bowl. If, like me, you forget to add the nut butter, youâll at least be rewarded with a dainty green pile of banana goop.
If you want to be Like This about it, toss some oats on one side for the âgram.
Eat the smoothie bowl on camera during a zoom meeting, like a goddamn gremlin.
Shit to listen to
This album of electronic remixes of Oumou Sangaré songs is very good.
Shit to buy
This cat tree has shitty set up instructions but is a decent price and very tall and my cat is currently attempting to murder it.