Emchap's Shit from the Internet 01/5/22 🍠
I’ve been humming that one Death Cab song since 2022 started, and true to pandemic form the new year does not feel all that different from the last. It’s still dark at 5pm; it is still raining all the time; I am still unwilling to go back inside of restaurants and unsure how long it will be until that changes. I’m filled with a sort of gentle, rich lady in a novel-style malaise.
It’s not all grim: I got confirmation from my contractors today that they’re still planning to fix my bathroom, which will give me peace of mind that my tub’s not about to fall through the floor and into the mail room. Plus, I sold an exercise bike on Facebook, so that’s money I didn’t have beforehand.
I celebrated the actual holiday at home, having chosen Ethiopian food as the final meal of 2021. (It was great. Ethiopian food is great.) Earlier in the day, my boyfriend and I had driven out to Astoria to walk around in its finest out-of-doors, which was cold but fun. There were a few sea lions hanging out and vibing underneath the pier we were on, and they spent the whole time we were nearby barking up a storm, apparently for the love of the game. On the somewhat white-knuckled drive back through the iced-over roads of rural Oregon (the entire time just thinking how dumb I’d feel if this was how I finally died), I introduced him to Til Death Do Us Blart, which is an annual podcast in which five men watch Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, each year having their spirits broken slightly more than the last.
This led to us looking up the two dudes on the podcast whose whole thing is watching horrible movies on repeat, where it was discovered that one of their previous projects had been watching Sex and the City 2 on repeat.
It was on HBO, so obviously we did. It was a slog, because the film is awful, and about awful characters. I paused it right before 9 to go to the bathroom, and when I came back and pressed play, I was thrown an error. I exited the app, assuming I’d just get back in and start things up. Except that when I logged in: no Sex and the City 2.
As far as we could tell, the HBO license for SATC2 seemed to expire at the end of 2021 at east coast midnight. We were free of our task, and could not stop laughing at what seemed like god telling us “no, seriously, stop that.”
Obviously we then spent the rest of the night watching Zoo, an unhinged television programme (seriously read the thread) about would happen if wolves burned down a prison. Start as you mean to go on.
Shit to read
This story about a man getting a camera up his dick for medical purposes is very funny and viscerally horrifying, if that’s your thing.
Jeff Bezos’s kids’ names are challenging to find, which is understandable but fascinating in a “how did he pull it off” kind of a way.
I’m sure things are fine.
Please read this article about black market cat drugs that my coworker had to inject his cat with for months which apparently also maybe cure covid.
Shit to eat
Chop up a frozen banana.
Put it in a blender with some oat milk and a glob of the natural peanut butter that you didn’t mean to buy but here we are.
Top off with a scoop of the good peanut butter protein powder.
Enjoy the fact that you’ve basically created a fitness milkshake.
Get swole.
Shit to watch
Enjoy Boss Whom Is Girl.
Shit to buy
That protein powder, when it’s back in stock.