Emchap's Shit from the Internet 9/27/17 🍠
Guys you know how the Youths have been doing their favorite tumblr posts as Twitter threads? ("No, Emily," you answer, "I do not read Twitter at work in between client calls that make me want to curl into a tiny little ball like a squirrel waiting for death at the hands of a housecat.") I have a new favorite one! It's about a chicken farmer who fought Nazis!
The original post is here, the thread of it on Twitter starts here.
I shared it with one of my more ridiculous friends today and got back: "new life goal."
"to fucking lie to some nazis?"
"done it"
And guys I don't know why I find "done it" as a response so funny but it just made me choke on my sandwich and I wanted to share it with you.
Go lie to some Nazis, everyone.
Shit to read
I wish the Hairpin hadn't sort of died, because this single-serving wine review is very funny.
Did you know about these married people who died in each others' arms on the Titanic? It's VERY SAD.
Why can't I buy a normal goddamn shirt anymore.
I loved loved loved this exploration of domestic goddesses and the food we make as we're trying on identities.
Baseball is the horniest sport and Leigh Cowart remains just fucking phenomenal.
Shit to eat
In your ongoing quest to become a Person With A Fitness Routine Because Ask Polly Fucking Told You To, go to the gym at 5:30.
Lift some heavy things for an hour.
Melt when the instructor says you were "born to deadlift" and carry this with you in your pocket for the rest of the week when people cause you to curl up like a squirrel.
Once you are done, go and take a shower and trip over your pants as you put them back on because you're wet and your legs are jelly and you feel a little bit like you might vomit.
Remember that you saw a bar around the corner, and it's Friday.
Go to the bar, see that it's got a happy hour on until 8, see that the happy hour includes $4 beers.
Hobble downstairs.
Make eyes at both the bartender and the taxidermy coyote on the bar.
Order an Allagash White.
Consume while checking Twitter and feeling vaguely virtuous, and talk to no one at all.
Shit to listen to
The new Lizzo video is PERFECTION.
Shit to buy
I just bought this sports bra and my tits look amazing and do not move even a little bit. It's like a thundershirt with a cute front zip closure.
I used this thickening spray before blowdrying my hair this weekend in an attempt to look cute, and it was vaguely enraging how much better my hair looked.