Emchap's Shit from the Internet 7/12/17 🍠
A fun fact about me is that I have never paid another human to rip hair out of my none-faceular regions. (Even the faceular regions I manage to get together like once every 7 months. I am very hairy and just shave everything, #noshame, whatever.)
However, summer is upon us, and that means that once again I am sensitive about how hairy my arms are because this is a thing that happens (they are very hairy).
(Sidebar: my mother used to tell me that I did not have a moustache and did not have hairy arms and both of those things are untrue and like my mom trying to make me reduce the amount of All The Shame about my body I guess but like maybe don't lie to your kids about how hairy their eastern european selves are? As an adult I spend 99% of my time hairy and just not giving as much of a shit, which seems like the healthiest place to arrive, the rest of the story aside.)
So, because I did not just go pay some nice woman to rip the hair out of me with wax like an adult, I kicked it like it was 1999 and bought myself some Nair from Duane Reade. (Nair, for those of you who are not familiar, is a lotion that you put on yourself and then it burns all of your hair off through some chemical magic that is deffo carcinogenic.)
I have some news for those of you who have not used Nair since you were in middle school because you're a normal person who gets your hair waxed off or just doesn't care or whatever instead of DIYing it: shit still smells like satan's actual literal bloated corpse and will take off your hair, your top layer of skin, and possibly paint if left on for long enough. THAT SAID, I was able to set my timer by yelling at my Google house robot, and that was pretty cool, because it allowed me to adopt my Nairing stance of arms out like a dumb chicken, also-Naired thighs akimbo. And it worked!
My arms look great now and I discovered a previously-unknown mystery bruise in the absence of my god-given pelt, so, INTO IT.
Shit to read
This article about the Marines is hard to read and is very good.
The Donner Party died because they would not listen to common sense.
I think I'm probably still going to see The Beguiled even though I understand the valid criticisms of it. I think this article is the take that has most interested me so far, as I think it most reasonably explores the issues with Coppola if she had attempted to deal with race in the film (which would have been also bad, the woman is not equipped).
This is hella NSFW and is about producing porn, but I think does a really interesting job exploring the intersection of "scary in actual life" and "arousing in porn" sexual scenarios and ends on a line that made me laugh.
Also Lindy West, this editorial is SO GOOD.
Shit to eat
Take a sack of brussels sprouts that's about to turn, and rinse them.
Make sure your food processor (you have a food processor, right?) has the little disk attachment set to "shred" rather than "slice (not gonna make that mistake again) and shred the fuck out of the sack of brussels sprouts.
Probably cut off the ends first but like I didn't, so, eh.
Toss in six olives and six cloves of garlic and food process them too.
In a cast iron pan, heat up enough olive oil to cover things.
Toss the shredded sprouts in, put it over medium heat, and stir things around for an hour or so.
While you're doing this, toss in way more salt and pepper than you think you'll need, because that shit is bland. Drizzle in some sesame oil if you have it.
Cook it down for a few minutes.
Crack two or three eggs in, and nestle them in the sprouts undisturbed.
Pour a couple of tablespoons of water in the whole mess, and put a lid on it.
Wait for a minute or however long it takes to wash the sprouts out of the food processor.
Squeeze a desiccated lemon you found in your fridge over the whole mess, and eat until the house robot reminds you that you need to move your laundry to the dryer.
Shit to listen to
Roman GianArthur has an album of Radiohead covers out and they're all great but this cover of "High & Dry" sounds like if gospel music was also very satisfying sex, so it's the one I'd recommend, I have NO CHILL about this.
Shit to buy
This is the robot vacuum I bought; Sweethome recommends it (obvi).
I really want this bath shelf for lounging.
The chances of me purchasing this cable caddy in a fit of nesting are not low.
I am getting nothing out of this but people don't seem to know about Zenni Optical, which is a really completely reasonable place to buy ok-quality prescription glasses for incredibly cheap. It's not a front!