Emchap’s Shit from the Internet 7/11/18 🍠
This weekend, as is my way, I convinced a friend to do something ridiculous. This week, the ridiculous thing was pinup photos, because of course it was.
(Props to my friend for being a good sport through the whole endeavor, because she drove several hours to get to LA and it was like 102 degrees all day because summer is hell.)
My family are not big portrait people, so I have very rarely ever had a professional photographer document me. As a result, I wasn't sure what to expect. (The last time a photographer did take my photo it was for work headshots, and I hate the photo more than there are words, so I was hoping for... anything other than that.)
It turned out that the process went like this: one at a time, my friend and I sat in the makeup artist's chair, where she applied a BUNCH of foundation, some 1940's style contour blush, hella powder, eyebrows for days, several kinds of taupe eyeshadow magic, fake lashes (for the first time in my life!), and an overdrawn red lip. The makeup artist was basically Emma Stone's mom in Easy A, so obviously I liked her immediately. My friend finished first, and we were each alone with the photographer on a downstairs set that consisted of a canopy bed, a sort of fake Paris cocktail hour backdrop, and a very fancy fainting couch.
The photographer chatted briefly about my goals ("to document that I was once young and hot") and then we got to work. She gave very specific, profoundly unnatural directions to me (have you ever been told how to move your knee to make you look hot? it's weird!) as I rolled around, posed with an umbrella, and did the pinup leg thing where you stick your legs up on the wall (this actually made my muscles sore the next day, which was profoundly embarrassing). The whole time, the photographer made delightful nonsense noises, alternating between "ha ha ha ha!" to encourage us to fake laugh for the photos, and a sort of baby talk "meow meow meow meow" noise that was, I assume, for her own amusement.
The entire thing felt ridiculous, and I felt large and weird and bad at posing because of course I am; being good at it is some folks' entire jobs and they are not me. I was very sweaty and wondered if there was any possibility that my posing with a giant feathery fan did not look deeply, deeply dumb.
But! At the end, I got to see the photo previews, and—though there were plenty I didn't like—most of them looked great! I looked hot, in a pinuppy sort of ridiculous way. The photographer's ridiculous meowing did exactly the trick.
The photos are on their way to me, at which point I'll have something like 150 images of myself to do something with. Current plan is to print them all out on canvas and hang them around my living room in order to make visitors uncomfortable, because what is life for if not forcing your friends and acquaintances to admire pictures of you in a swimsuit. For all I know I'll send out some sort of cheesecake Christmas card with them. The possibilities are endless!
It was fun, and it was tremendously silly, and I am sure I will go back.
Shit to read
Go read about Brendon Urie and listen to the new Panic at the Disco album, which sounds like being sad in LA.
This article about theatre teens is amazing.
Tumblr is the worst.
Johnetta Elzie's article on coming out is great and worth reading.
It's summer; go read some e.e. cummings and get real in your feelings.
This article on receiving email meant for other people is great and melancholy and wonderful.
I love Yes and Yes's True Story series, and this one on a woman who reinvented herself at 50 is no exception.
Bo Burnham's new movie about 8th graders looks fantastic and I enjoyed this interview with him.
I am so sad I'm not in Atlanta to see Black Nerd premiere, but I absolutely recommend this article by its author about growing up as a homeschooled black nerd raised by Christian clowns.
It's worth reading the entire article about the new head of the MTA, from which the Twitter-popular quote about there only being one dude who could fix the vending machines came.
Did you know you can turn your bones into jewelry?
Shit to eat
It's so hot.
Cut up half a watermelon. You'll do it badly, so the pieces are all different sizes and way bigger than you can bite, and you'll feel guilty about it for a moment before realizing that you live alone and can just spear great giant chunks of watermelon with fork and bite off individual amounts as needed.
Put the watermelon in a bowl.
Add a container of feta.
And a container of half-heartedly chopped mint.
Eat this for breakfast for the rest of the week, hoping against hope that summer might eventually end.
Shit to watch
Amy Poehler and Nick Offerman are very charming.
Shit to buy
I am obsessed with this ombre tassel dress.
Goth Lisa Frank!