Emchap's Shit from the Internet 3/22/17 🍠
Today I learned two important things: one, that the aloe drink that I like is not very abrasive if I throw it back up (fuck you, orange juice); and two, that I have a physical network of women around me who are kind and funny and willing to reassure me when I am sad, and even when I am sad that is good to carry in my heart.
(A third piece of information: the mango flavor of the aloe drink? Not good.)
Shit to read
The guy who writes Dilbert is a documented garbage person and this article on how that came to be is really fascinating if, like me, you spent your formative years reading Dilbert books.
It turns out the guy who invented Grape Nuts (my favorite cereal, haters step back) also invented some weird coffee alternative mostly beloved by Mormons. It's making a comeback through online retail.
This interview with Jenny Slate about her breakup with Chris Evans is wonderful and heartbreaking and touches on a particular kind of insecurity that I am familiar with.
I'm biased because the author is someone I know but this piece about a sweet, sad children's book is great and everyone should read it.
Melville and Hawthorne were in love and none of you told me? I am betrayed!
I'm a woman who loves planning, so this deep dive into what will happen when Queen Elizabeth II dies is very much my shit.
Shit to eat
Get a large nonstick frying pan.
Consider spraying it with Pam but realize that unlike your mother you don't keep any on hand, so go with some olive oil instead.
Put the pan on medium heat.
When the oil moves around in the pan, put a tortilla on it. Burrito-sized if you're sad, taco-sized if things are okay.
Sprinkle whatever pre-shredded cheese blend is in your house onto the tortilla. Like I want to pretend it matters but I used Italian five cheese, it super doesn't.
Do you have some left over beans? Rando frozen spinach? Sprinkle that shit on there.
More cheese.
Second tortilla.
Press down periodically on the top tortilla and reminisce about how many of these you ate late at night at the Yacht Club in Atlanta after improv shows (approximately 517).
Think about moving back to Atlanta, or to SoCal, or to Chicago.
Notice the quesadilla is beginning to burn and flip it.
Remember that you're out of sour cream but realize that it's just lunch and whatever.
After a few minutes, slide that ish onto a plate and cut it into quarters.
Stack them on top of each other in an attempt to look like your shit is together but then eat it on your couch anyway.
Shit to listen to
This song is called "How Many Fucks?" is, spoiler alert, about giving a dearth of fucks and it's a banger that I listened to on loop for like an hour today. I'm going to listen to it until I don't feel feelings anymore?
Shit to buy
I have been burning this green moss candle and I like it a lot, but also the reviews online say that it might explode if left to burn so long sooooo.
I really like the idea of owning a boater hat for the glorious potential future when it won't be cold and windy all the time.
I collect glass bluebirds made in my birthplace and looking at them is bringing me some joy on a grumpy day, so, recommend. That said someone was recently at my house and took photos of them as a "literal glass menagerie" so, that is an issue.